


PSYCHE TAXI: Escape from the Ultimate Academy

by antingaround



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Gen, Psyche Taxi is the best game mode, Spoilers for all of DRV3, there are curse words sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27549244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antingaround/pseuds/antingaround
Summary: Kaede brings her top hoe game as she beats Psyche Taxi and also the killing game. Heavy spoilers for all of DRV3 for some reason. Crack. Spicy hot takes, but mostly in a joking manner I think.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	PSYCHE TAXI: Escape from the Ultimate Academy

The mood in the trial room was tense as the 15 Ultimate Students thought about who could have possibly murdered Rantaro; sweat beaded down the students’ faces as they glanced at each other.  _ Whose alibi is insufficient? Who could have possibly killed one of their classmates? _ Over all the clamor of the non-stop arguments, the evil Monokuma, Monokubs, and Mastermind revelled in the high ratings that was bound to come from such an amazing “bait and switch style” class trial.

Kaede was doing her best to look thoughtful, all while sending meaningful looks at Shuichi—  _ I did it, you know it, just prove it, I know you can—  _ obviously, since she herself was the one to zero-to-death combo Rantaro with her Villager Down Smash attack, she knew who the Blackened was. Unfortunately, he was unwilling to accept the situation here— just as unwilling as he was to return her extremely obvious flirting attempts.

[PSYCHE TAXI START]

Suddenly, the trial grounds warped away, and Kaede found herself in the driver’s seat of a tastelessly bright pink 1995 Volkswagen Cabrio. Looking around, she found herself in a trippy urban landscape with a pitch black sky. Fluorescent neon pink outlines showed the sides of skyscrapers and other cars racing past.

Kaede muttered under her breath, “I swear I haven’t done hallucinogens in at least a few months wtf.”

Out of nowhere, a voice started screaming into her ear.

The voice, who was mystifyingly bright green, because this is my fic and I can describe voices with colors fuck you, said, “I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, HOE!!!!”

“Oh no! As a student living in the city, I never learned how to drive! This mistake will be my undoing!” Kaede began to tear up; how could she have been so naive to reject such an important life skill???

“ANYWAYS, IN THIS GAME MODE, YOU WILL RUN OVER STRIPPERS WITH YOUR VEHICLE AFTER COLLECTING ENOUGH LETTER CUBES. HAVE FUN.”

Just as suddenly as the green voice started blasting in her mind, it left, leaving Kaede with no choice but to press down on the gas pedal to avoid being crashed into by other carts speeding along the highway. Thankfully, this convertible was specially made with no clutch so that even an idiot could drive it. As she drove, she found out that words had started to materialize in the black sky looming above.

But unfortunately for Kaede, driving was a lot harder than it looked! By the time she had collected enough letter cubes to complete the sentence, she had totaled four other cars and committed 5 counts of vehicular manslaughter. Miraculously, no matter how many innocent lives she ruined, there was not a single scratch on her car.

_ Aw geez, there’s actually a “brake” control on this thing.  _

A gaudy, tasteless, Vegas-like neon sign materialized over the white sentence that had formed in the sky. It read: THINKING TIME!

“Aw geez, I can’t read! Oh no!” In an act of divine miracle granting, Atua taught her how to read. “Thanks Jesus!” said Kaede gratefully. Kaede promotes religious discrimination, ensuring all her future partners would be single parents!

However, thanks to the distraction from the divine intervention she never got to read the question. Her 5-seater convertible from the 1990s that travelled at an absurdly high speed even for modern standards quickly arrived closer towards a selection of three strippers walking down the crosswalk. 

“OK! Everyone knows that the right choice is always right!” So Kaede veered left because she’s a dumb bimbo and splattered into the stripper. Lots of ugly pink blood and guts splattered over her pretty pink car, so it was actually no big deal since it mostly blended in. 

Mysteriously, her car reset back to the “THINKING TIME” portion of the drive and she was finally able to read the fucking question. It read, “ Who is the best protagonist in Danganronpa?”

Now that Kaede could read thanks to the teachings of Allah, she drove straight into the stripper in the center holding the words “KAEDE AKAMATSU”. Obviously, this was objectively the correct answer.

Kaede giggled, “U have no rights if you like Twinky McBoring or Hajime idc what you say. Hoes mad.”

Instead of splattering their guts all over her pink convertible, the stripper jumped into her convertible in an physics-defying act only made possible by Danganronpa’s cardboard cutout character models.

“OMG! It’s Maki!!11! What are you doing in my convertible and why are you a stripper!”

0000000000

Back in the trial grounds, Shuichi recoiled in fear as he saw Maki’s eyes roll back, body slumping forwards onto her podium seat, just like what had happened to Kaede earlier. No one cared about Maki tho cuz she’s useless in trials 1-2 anyways lmao. What had happened to the two???? He didn’t know, mostly cuz he’s a terrible detective and I hate him a lot.

Kaede muttered in her delirious state, “Join me in my amazingly awesome hoe taxi domain… God taught me how to read… it’s great.” It seemed like no work would get done on solving the case while Kaede was gone; Tenko was having an aneurysm because Korekiyo was messing around with Himiko in that creepy way of his, Miu was playing strip poker with Kokichi, and Kaito was crying in the corner because he doesn’t deserve any love.

0000000000

Anyways, Maki was now sitting in the passenger’s seat of Kaede’s bright pink 1995 Volkswagen Cabrio. After activating the windshield wipers to get the blood from prior crashes off the windshield, Kaede squinted ahead and continued to drive down the seemingly never-ending highway.

Maki said, “Do you want to die, driving so recklessly?” And then, “Oh shit, I’ve spoiled my totally obvious chapter 2 character twist!” She forcibly took the wheel from Kaede, the struggle to control the wheel making them accidentally hit three other cars in the process. Finally, after a couple of minutes the two had managed to collect enough letter cubes to unlock the next THINKING TIME segment. “Which game has the best Chapter 3?”

Although the signs the stripper held up should not have been readable from a mile away, Kaede had really incredible eyesight because she is the best protagonist ever. She confidently answered, “THEY ALL SUCK CUZ THEY KILL / RUIN REALLY GREAT CHARACTERS!” and drove into the stripper holding up the needlessly wordy answer.

The stripper they hit turned out to be none other than Gonta, our favorite dumb himbo who is miles better than Akane as the resident stupid bitch of the group. Gonta teleported into the backseat of the vehicle, discarding his fishnet stockings and other stripper gear in the process.

Next up, the stripper hit after the third THINKING TIME was Tenko. “What is the best protag love interest in the game, and why?” Without thinking because the answer was so obvious, Kaede hit the stripper with the sign that read “CHIAKI BECAUSE SHE HAS A CAT HOODIE”.

As soon as she teleported into the backseat, Tenko requested to switch with Maki in the passenger’s seat to avoid being next to the stench of a filthy m*n, even though the filthy man in question was actually arguably the best guy in DRV3.

Kaede had been driving for maybe 5 minutes now, and since we all know that 5 minutes is all you need to achieve mastery in a subject Kaede was now a driving pro. She confidently smirked, doing complicated drifting tricks with only a brake and gas pedal. Cruising through the cityscape, with pink streaks of  blood paint flying off the sides of the  hoe taxi convertible and a banger soundtrack playing in the air, Kaede had never felt better! Plus she had learned how to read!

For what she somehow knew would be the last time, a fourth THINKING TIME sign started hanging from the sky. “What is the best way to rewrite Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony?” This time, there were only two strippers standing in the middle of the road: “GIVE CHARACTERS BETTER DEVELOPED STORIES AND ARCS + IMPROVE CHAR. INTERACTION”. Kaede drove straight into this one, expecting the stripper to teleport into her seat and for some bizarre reason take the form of one of the students trapped in the Ultimate Academy with her. Instead, the stripper once again splattered all over the windshield and ruined the paint job of the hood of the car.

“Alright… let’s try that again!” While Kaede started driving again, Gonta and Tenko gaped at the sight of a flagrant violation of driving safety and law avoidance.

Kaede had no choice but to drive into the other stripper, whose words read “RUN INTO THE TRIAL GROUNDS AT 200 KM/HR”. Rantaro appeared in the middle seat of the back of the coochiemobile. 

“OMG, I thought I killed you with my large heavy ball(s) Rantaro!!!!!!” What followed was a very emotional reunion, with Maki Tenko and Gonta looking on and gaping at the fact that our lovable protag was the one that killed Rantaro. Rantaro and Kaede started making out in the coochiemobile. Before the car could crash in a fatal accident that would doom all five of its passengers, Tenko pulled Rantaro off Kaede and commanded Kaede to continue driving.

“Stop having heterosexual PDA, degenerate male!!!!!”

So Kaede continued on her possibly-drug induced trip, eventually arriving at a white light at the end of the tunnel-  _ wait, what?? _ Kaede definitely did not want to die, and descriptions of death sounded just like that, so she slammed on the brakes. The passengers’ heads bonked against the headrests/windshield, and Kaede immediately did an extremely skilled J-turn back down the road. She drove for a couple minutes until she arrived at the starting point of her [PSYCHE TAXI] journey, and started driving in the reverse direction of the [PSYCHE TAXI] course.

The car started barreling toward a seemingly impenetrable black wall, the same color as the sky. Ignoring the screams of her passengers and Maki pulling out a knife that she just had on her person idk, Kaede drove the Psyche Taxi through the wall— and through the trial grounds!!!!! The coochie taxi and its five passengers materializing out of nowhere from midair flattened Kokichi on impact.

[PSYCHE TAXI END]

“Wow I can’t believe you summoned a whole ass taxi using ur fucking mind powers Kaede.” said Rantaro who was inexplicably alive in the real world, as they sped off into the cherry-tinted sunset at 207 km/hr and french kissing each other, and nothing bad ever happened again, certainly not involving any blue haired hoes that smell like dog food. Also they ran over Tsumugi epic style. 

THE END ✨✨

Also eventually Shuichi learned how to summon a Psyche Taxi but it wasn’t as epic as Kaede’s and he saved everyone else I guess.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, i love you all. discord is antingaround#0001.


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